M.I.S

Now this blog is specially for my ladies. Guys, this is not one of those extremely biased Feminist based entries that will make you cringe on reading it-- I invite you to read it too, after all, you may be enlightened and finally understand some things you never ventured to discover about your significant other.

Initially, I want to say that for me this issue, another "syndrome" that women suffer from, is because of my complete lack of trust for people. However, this entry's aim is not to resolve this trust issue or to detect why I have become so untrusting. Instead, I invite you to find out the root of your syndrome and your symptoms of M.I.S so that you can treat it and get rid of it!

By now you must be asking yourself what I might be referring to and probably some random thoughts have been ushered into your mind. Like an inquisitive child you are sitting anxiously at your computer asking yourself "why is this entry three paragraphs in and I STILL don't know what Jem is talking about?!" haha. Well here I go....

M.I.S or Miss Independent Syndrome is yet another syndrome that women and their partners continually face today. Before I go on I must give a little introduction about this syndrome and how it has found it's way to the top "syndromes" women are in a constant battle with.

Saying that one of the most oppressed groups over the past century or so has been women is an understatement. Anglo Saxon, African, Caribbean, Muslim, whatever the sub group, we have been tried and tested by an extremely discriminatory system. This system we live in is corrupt: it is chauvinistic, it is controlled by men and places their interest before women's. Furthermore, this system does not treasure the sameness and difference between the two sexes; one that confines the woman to the home, one that claims that we are not as strong as, as intellectually capable, as competent as men and this system is culpable for the emergence of this syndrome.

To add, because of this system, women have taken on the fight to attain equity that they deserve and are placed in a position where they must work twice as hard to gain respect--something that we yearn for after being oppressed for so long. Indeed, some things have changed and it seems as though women have been liberated but this form of discrimination still lingers. As a result, women are still fighting.

Because of this, women have been misled into thinking that we must also fight our husbands/partners--we carry this fighting mentality into our relationships. Now, "I can do it on my own, who needs a man anyway" is what you find yourself saying ever so often. What about the times you would use Beyonce's irreplaceable to console yourself after an argument? What about when you refuse to let him put on your jacket or pull out your chair?

Furthermore, besides being rooted in our history as women, this struggle is dormant and awakened by certain stimuli. For me, when I feel unguarded and love comes around, that's where the symptoms of M.I.S step into the picture.

Maybe you have lived with your mom in a single parent home all your life, maybe you watched your mom continuously abused, maybe you just don't trust people.... but whatever it be, this may lead you to M.I.S symptoms, symptoms that will subtly cripple your relationship.

Remember ladies, men are human too (Although they don't act like it sometimes haha). The first step in fighting this syndrome is recognizing that we can make or break our relationships (it's not always their fault). Secondly, it's more than okay to be treated like a virtuous woman. Third, establish that in your relationship there's no hierarchy, but instead two people who complement each other walking along life's pathway hand in hand-- work together (your partner is not your competition).

Miss Independent Syndrome is on the rampage and we need to take some precautionary measures ladies. Yes, he's replaceable, yes you feel like you can do everything by yourself and yes we live in a corrupt imbalanced system but why let that ruin a romance that may lead to new beginnings and a love sealed companionship?

I know that all you want is some R.E.S.P.E.C.T, but allowing the symptoms of M.I.S to enter into your relationship will only do the reverse....YOU WILL BE DISRESPECTED! If you're not disrespected directly because your guy is a softie, it will come indirectly when he gets tired of you and moves on to someone who appreciates chivalry and you.... you'll end up lonely at 60 carrying on a conversation that sounds like this: " I never needed a man and I still don't need one...oh...and children...who would want such monsters?"

I think that our biological systems, our sex drive, even the bible is enough evidence that a man is made for a woman and vice versa. So ladies you are not meant to be alone forever (unless God has a special calling for you whereby a companion has no place in your life). Treat your partner with love and respect and allow him to show you the same sentiments.

Speak and accept the truth in love.....

Bringing Moderation Back into the Equation

On February 8th I left land and I hurried aboard the Carnival Destiny cruise ship. I must admit that I was eager to partake in everything the crew had to offer--after all, I paid for it and I was determined to get my money's worth. However, like every other experience I've been blessed to see in my short life, this cruise opened up my eyes to so many things. The first issue that I must talk about is the proliferating culture of "imbalanced living".

On the Carnival Destiny one could eat all one can put in one's mouth. There are nine restaurants on board, including a 24 hour pizzeria, ice cream station, coffee and tea station and not to mention...24 hr FREE room service. On the Destiny you can party and drink all night long...and the casino won't close until you want it to. There's non stop fun but if you want you can sleep all day long! On the destiny you can do anything you want as much as you desire to! This, we call paradise, this we call fantasy, this we call good living. When did imbalanced living become the dream?

It's becoming increasingly evident that the world is severely imbalanced, however we must pay attention to the fact that this attribute is in no way natural. Looking externally, it is clear as day that there are wealth gaps globally and most notably, the average American's way of life (which has become the standard to judge all other cultures) leaves the word "moderation" out of the equation.

Furthermore, it is no surprise that human beings--living entities who are in essence; minute parts of this ecosystem, mere pieces of a mosaic, are affected by external imbalances and vice versa. The question is, how can we bring moderation back into the equation?

Initially, we must recognize that sometimes, change comes from the bottom up. With that said, individuals must make some conscious decisions to restore internal equilibrium. After all, as the minute parts of the system alters itself, so too will the bigger picture in time.

When was the last time you sat down and thought about how imbalanced your way of life has become as you've gotten older? How much food do you waste? Or maybe you have a problem with prioritizing. What about your time management skills? Are you frugal? How do you spend your money and what things are "ok" for you to spend your money on? With that said, what does your closet look like? Do you give to any charitable organizations? Why not start your own?

Indeed, there are those people who find themselves weary with life, constantly troubled and confused since they believe with every part of their being that they should have peace of mind. Why? Only because they're continually doing good for others and not for once do they do things for themselves. What we must recognize is that being selfless is not the way either--this is also a case of an imbalanced lifestyle.

Balancing the equation called "a healthy lifestyle" where we can truly be happy, we must bring moderation back into the picture. Instability is an evil that can subtly creep into your life. It may take just one more beer, one more cigarette, one more snack added to your daily intake of food to usher in a new beginning of unhealthy lifestyle. Be it mentally, physically or emotionally.

So let's eat, drink, enjoy life, sleep and all other parts of life moderately. I'm not perfect and I too must embrace this notion, but maybe you can start soon and invite your friends to do the same. After all, when you have someone who encourages you when you falter it's easier to attain the ultimate goal. Let's start a movement... a movement that will bring equilibrium.

Speak the truth and accept the truth in love.

The "L" word PT II

You see, healthy relationships are initiated when two people who complement each other, inspire each other, motivate and love each other, and this can only be achieved when these two "cups" are "full". Only when one is whole one should attempt to reach out to unite with another.

Genesis was...well... Genesis, except he came after the exodus (lol). He walked into my life at the point where things seemed new and fresh; and although he seemed to complement me and to be all that I imagined my perfect match would be, it was not yet the time to unite. Genesis was plagued with tormenting issues from his past lifestyle that affected his present. These issues proved to be too much to ignore; he needed to face them, cross over them and walk away without looking in the rear view.

The truth is, before our relationship could mature or blossom into something beautiful we needed to deal with ourselves. Although I knew this, I ignored these facts and sought to find and revive emotion....life into Genesis. Soon, he seemed to be back on his feet but it was then that I realized that in assisting him, some weird but expected transference had taken place and soon I was the one who needed help. Days came where I seemed too dreary to wake up for class, too tired to listen to anyone-- I was drained mentally and emotionally. This type of love is the most dangerous type of love. The type where you allow yourself to be a sacrifice, the type where you allow yourself to be drained to fill someone else's cup up. The selfless type, the most deadly type of love.

Luckily Genesis was good at heart and he reached out his hand to me when I needed it most. Imagine if he had drained me and left me in my state of emptiness without remorse. It is important to realize that although selfishness is not right, complete and continual selflessness is not either. It is important that we realize that moderation is key especially when we want to give of ourselves.

In closing, the most important lesson that we must take from all this is that in all these draining, depressing, enlightening experiences we recognize that WE MUST ALWAYS EXTRACT A MESSAGE FROM THE MESS! If we do not learn from our experiences we will continue to find ourselves in the same predicaments. In order to progress learning is necessary!

Speak and accept the truth in love.

The "L" Word...PT.1

Like in magazines or newspaper columns I am going to change the names of each person that I am going to refer to in this piece. This piece is 100% raw; real life experiences and I am not writing this to be pitied or to bash anyone. Disclaimer?? Nah!

The most difficult thing is to truly put thought into writing. Furthermore, it is hard to put something abstract into words. How then do I begin to talk about love? Talking about love is like talking about something that is paradoxical in nature or an oxymoron to someone that never experienced or witnessed the two things you are juxtaposing. Explaining love is like explaining faith; it is like suggesting why you believe in God to an unbeliever. I know that by now many who have experienced love know exactly what I mean--at this point you concur.

With that said, I am not going to attempt to explain what that entity, that abstract and mind boggling thing called love is, but instead, share some experiences that I've had with that thing. I've realized that I've been exposed to so many types of love in my short life. Today, I'm going to talk about romance- man to woman type of love.

My first real encounter was with Stanley. My first encounter was at a very tender age, a time when I was told that how I felt was not love; I was too young, too ignorant and naive to know exactly what love was. On the contrary, to this day I know that it was love- deep, soul to soul type love, tender, teary eyed nights type love, rejuvenating....deep breath of fresh air type of love, genuine type love. However, the problem was evident from the second year when times changed, so did my partner and circumstances did not make things better. Our relationship worsened by the hour, the minute and the second.

Yet, I loved him when I found out that instead of being on a break with me he was seeing someone else at his school. I thought about him constantly, longed to be with him to share my thoughts with him even when he had raised his voice at me 5 minutes before. I cared for him and I'd do whatever he desired even after he said hurtful things or refused to open up to me.This type of love I labeled as unconditional type of love.

Then came someone completely different. John was sweet and tender and loving. He was too sweet, too loving, too soft. He was the naive type that constantly needed attention and love. John was the youngest in a small family where he was given all the affection he wanted and still...he needed more from me and I could never give him enough; nothing I gave could suffice. I loved him even when he nagged, I loved him when he seemed weak, I loved him when he cried, I loved him so much that I was scared to break up with him even though I knew we were not meant to be. And as he cried, I too cried and in the end I concluded that the type of love I had for John was the pity type of love. A deadly type of love, but not the deadliest of them all.

After John was Peter. Peter was my friend and our friendship bloomed into a rose of a romance that was short lived and died. Like a dead rose, when it died, so too did the friendship. The vision of that beautiful blooming rose disappeared forever once it expired. Peter and I had a very verbally abusive relationship. I loved him more when he used profanity, I was attached more when he got angry, when he acted strange when he kicked a fuss. I fell deeper in love when we were confronted about why we were together because we were from different worlds. We pretended to fight the good fight and tried to defend our unconventional union; a union that in our day and time should be conventional.

And yet, it was that very minute difference that was that immense difference that had separated us--we were from two very different worlds that were incompatible. This love I call the "abused wife syndrome " type of love (AWS). AWS is one of the worse types of love. The type of love that a battered wife has for her husband. The type of love that keeps you in that abusive union although you know you're being hurt consistently and although deep down in your state of denial...you know you deserve better. This is probably one of the worse types of love and whomever you be: man, woman, girl or boy....beware!

Then came Genesis. This type of love was nothing like the others. However, it was very early in the romance when I realized that this type of love might be the most dangerous types of love of them all. It's like the union of two empty cups that cannot assist the other in the "filling up" process because they were both almost empty.............

STAY TUNED FOR PART II

Until then....

speak and accept the truth in love.

Walking Around In Circles

Sometimes I get so depressed and almost instantaneously I reach for my wallet. If I don't reach for the phone to call my number one in this world (mom), I reach for my cash or debit card or credit card. Every time I feel like I cannot cope I think about doing things that may cheer me up a little, bring some sunshine to my life. However, the happiness I attain is almost always short lived.

Many people may quickly judge me and claim that I must have some psychological problem that needs to be dealt with soon before I get myself into debt (lol). The church goer may say "look to the hills from whence cometh your help...your help cometh from the Lord" that forever high friend may take this moment where you are completely vulnerable to say "the high grade, mary j juana the ganja....is the healing of the nation, it wipeth away all doubt and fear."

Wanna know what I say? You see so many times people try to find a prescription, a hobby or a food or anything on earth they can consume to mitigate the pains that they face within this world. Too many times we are out for a cure when we could take preventative measures that lead us to a road where we need not find remedies for frustration. Instead of trying to find a remedy why not find out the real reason for your depression, doubt, fear worry. When you find out... come up with a preventative measure.

I've realized that in my life the real issue is living a monotonous ritualistic life. I hate monotony, I hate walking around in circles, I hate repetitive void statements that people say from time to time that they clearly don't understand or pay close attention to. I try to live my life freely, I try to have fun and do different things to keep myself free of rituals.

Don't get me wrong, it's ok to keep to a schedule, after all this world makes that necessary from time to time. However, it is important that we realize that this ritualistic way of life can trap us and that we need to free up every now and then. I'm not saying go to work at 5 because you want to "free up" although you're scheduled for 1. Just be mindful. Remember, consciousness is key when you're a conscious being. Be mindful of the ability to be trapped by schedules and liberate yourself every now and then.

So, before you reach for the joint, before you blame God for putting you on this "evil world" and not helping you, before you reach for the credit card, before you step on the streetcar to go to the mall.....sit and ask yourself: Am I a victim of a constantly ritualistic life? Then figure out how you can avoid being trapped in these empty modes of living that this world has produced that continuously infringes on our freedom.

Speak the truth and accept the truth in love.